A few weeks before Christmas was Frank Sinatra’s 100 birthday celebration on TV. No, I didn’t actually watch it, but it had me thinking of the song “My Way, “ not in a my end being near kind of way but in an “own it’ sort of way.
The last 3 1/2months have been a roller coaster ride…. But we knew that. The cool thing is seeing what works and what doesn’t for me. It’s an “own it” and “my way” thing.
At first I ordered books…lots of books…books out the ass on anything Cancer. The funny thing is, I opened them, closed them and sent them back to Amazon (gotta love Amazon Prime!). The reason why…I didn’t vibe with them. I don’t think I think like most people…at least I don’t think I do.
So many themes were about fighting…winning the battle…surviving. But here is the thing. I know I already “won”. I don’t feel like I have to fight.
Think about that in anything in life: if you knew you already won…why fight? Why not embrace the experiences of what is? I refused to get sucked into the “why me”. “Why me” doesn’t work for me, “why not me”, right? I wasn’t going to get wrapped into the “why didn’t they catch it sooner crap,” because how would that help me right now? It doesn’t. “Now” is what gives me clarity…right now.
Things happen. Life happens. Good news, bad news, who knows? The bigger question is: now what.
I played softball from the time I was 5 years old through a few years ago when I swore my softball swing screwed up my golf swing (it was my golf game that needed help!). I got a lot of curveballs thrown at me, so what’d I do, I learned how to hit them, just like the fastballs and the changeups. I actually pitched too so I would know what was coming at me or to mentally be prepared based on what I would pitch. So you ask, what the hell does this have to do with Breast Cancer….bottom line: I don’t know how to do life any other way than the way I’m doing it…..my way. Be smart and make it work for me.
I (and you) always have a choice….I’m a driver…I’ve always been a driver (people get out of their own cars and give me the keys when we go out..seriously!). And breast cancer isn’t taking my keys. Sure, cancer is in the car with me usually in the hatchback, and sometimes in the backseat like on the Sunday nights and Mondays after a healing treatment….but it’s never in the front and is never getting the keys.
Through this process, my choice was to listen to people….and not listen to people. (I’m not going to stop eating cookies and an occasional Skittle!) I did make some healthier food choices (key word choices), and I am being smart about what works for me. There are way too many angry people out there who wanted to tell me how I was going to feel, and how horrible things were going to be. Truth is, it isn’t horrible. It isn’t….for me. I’m not in any way negating the shit people have to go through… I just knew I wasn’t going to be at the effect of the stories…that wasn’t going to be my experience…it wasn’t going to be my story…I am owning my experiences.
I’m writing this to say do shit your way. (You don’t have to have freaking cancer to make that call.) Screw what other people think you should do, or tell you how things are going to be for you. No one else can DO YOU….so you decide what’s working for you and what isn’t. Let stuff go that isn’t working for you and build on what is…you can’t transform yourself…but you can find a spot to allow your own transformations to happen when you let go of what you thought you knew.
When you are at the cause of your life you get to say: I faced it all and I stood tall and did it my way.